27 6 / 2013
Last night I got off from work and received a phone call from my boyfriend telling me that his co-worker, and my theatre family member and friend, Kolton, had died in a car accident driving back from Center. I was shocked. I actually said, “You’re kidding, right?” I hoped it was just a cruel joke……
But, sometimes, that’s life. Life seems like this cruel, awful joke.
I know lately I’ve felt that way. With my parents’ divorce, with my job search, with my unknown purpose, with my constant worrying and stress, and with being diagnosed with mild depression by a counselor that I’ve begun to see….Yes, life has seemed like a cruel joke.
Just last week…and, I can’t believe I’m posting this, but I hope that in posting this I find some strength. Just last week, after driving a total of 8 hours to and from an interview and realizing that I couldn’t happily live in the town in which I was interviewing…I felt panicked and disheartened, and lonely…And I felt like ending my life. I saw a counselor the next day and cried…I cried for over an hour. Because how did I, Emily Gibson, become this person? What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel this way?
But, we talked. And, he told me to write. And to run. And to find a routine. And stability. And so, for the past week, I’ve been doing just that. And yes, those stressful feelings have come again, and there have been moments where I’ve thought….Does life get better than this? But, after hearing the news of Kolton’s death I remembered a quote that sad “Life isn’t fair, it’s just fairer than death, that’s all.” And, that’s exactly right. My life hasn’t been ideal for awhile, but I have been blessed, and I do have so many people who love me. And, Kolten. He was this great guy. And, I feel like his death has come too soon. I feel like I’ve been wasting my days now. Why do I spend a day upset or unhappy, if I am alive? Why have I been living this way?
The first time I ever rode a motor cycle was with Kolton. He said to Mai and I, “You’ve never ridden a motor cycle? Well, this is your lucky night!” He let me hop on the back with a helmet as he drove around our apartment complex. While it was exciting to ride a motorcycle for the first time, it also scared the mess out of me. But, it made me realize that Kolton had this thrill for life. Phillip and I went to Camp Tonkawa with him just two weeks ago, and I noticed how Kolton generously handed out beers to random strangers and let them use his hooka. He just wanted everyone to have a good time. I also remember last summer when I needed a new phone, and Kolton was working at Radio Shack at the time. He talked, and talked, and talked to me about Truck Month, which he and I both had acting roles in while he helped me with buying a new phone. All around, he was a great guy….And I feel so sad when I think about Mary. She told me that they were planning to get married this time next year. I can’t imagine the pain and heartbreak. I don’t wish this upon anyone. And, I don’t really understand why this happened. Is there a reason for all of this? I don’t know…and it doesn’t make sense.
All I know, is that we have to be there for one another. We should love, appreciate, and enjoy every moment we have with one another. Because, it is precious. And I realize that I need to stop worrying so much and start living. I’ll make mistakes…It’s bound to happen, but I can’t constantly worry and be upset when there is so much to live for and so much to be happy and grateful about. And this cruel joke of life…Well, I want to laugh in it’s face and say, “Ha ha! I beat you! You tried again and again to knock me down, but you didn’t! You haven’t succeeded.”
I don’t know how to end this post….Except to say Rest in Peace, Kolton. And may we, as the living, find peace as well on Earth.
27 6 / 2013
23 6 / 2013
23 6 / 2013
I respect fit runners and I respect overweight runners. I respect fast runners and I respect slow runners. I respect people who run 5 miles and I respect people who run 25 miles. I respect people who run in group and I respect solo runners. I respect shirtless runners and I respect fully clothed runners. I respect walkers, joggers, and sprinters. I respect female runners and I respect male runners. I respect young runners and I respect old runners. I respect winter, spring, summer, fall runners. My point is this: the first step out the front door is the hardest, and I respect anyone who takes it.
01 6 / 2013
Well, I went home last weekend….Only to realize that I don’t have a home at all anymore.
I wanted more than anything to have a fun, relaxing weekend…Something I haven’t experience since god knows when. And, I come home, or to this place I once knew to be home, only to find bitterness, loneliness, and rejection.
In short, my mom is filing for divorce. My dad is heartbroken….And, I’m left in the middle. I’m not sure who to talk to, so I’m keeping my distance. In a fit of rage I called my mom’s counselor. Probably not the smartest move I’ve made in my life, especially since all I did was yell at him and let him have it. I told him that if he was really a marriage counselor he would have let my Dad sit in on sessions and that my mom wouldn’t be filing for divorce right now. I didn’t really feel any better after doing that….That’s why it was stupid.
And then I cried on the drive all the way back to my home, or the only home that I have, which is the one I’m making for myself. And, when I got back, I was met with hugs, and kisses, and pizza from my boyfriend. Perhaps it’s ridiculous to say that one person can feel more like your family than your biological family, but for now, that’s how it seems.
I am heartbroken for my broken family, but I never want to make the same mistakes my parents have made. I’ll forgive them in time, but right now it’s hard, especially since I have so little figured out for myself. I’ve been applying for jobs everyday, yet I’ve heard nothing back so far.
Something good has to come soon. I’ll just keep my fingers crossed.
01 6 / 2013
04 4 / 2013
I haven’t written in such a long time on here.
Lately, I feel the need to write more. I feel like so much is happening in my life, so fast, so rapidly, and I’m just trying to stay above the water.
I guess I’ll talk about some “good” things. Yes, I put good in quotations…because…well, life is hard right now, and I feel like I’m in survival mode, which I am. I’m trying to become independent and live on my own, without any assistance from anyone for the first time ever. It’s scary and confusing, but it will be good once it’s all figured out. I just got hired at Posados and have been training for the past week to be a waitress. It’s exhausting, but it will bring me some money, which is desperately need. So, I’ve been waking up at 6:30 every morning to student teaching, leaving the school at 4:20, and then I go straight to Posados to work the night shift. I’m also about to sign the lease for an apartment on Main Street. It’s brand new, which will be nice, but I will be living on my own, which will be weird. And, I’ll have to pay all of the bills and everything on my own…it’s going to be rough, but I’ll make it work. I’m just praying to land a teaching position near here, that way I’ll only have to live in poverty for a few months.
"Why don’t you just go back home, Emily? That seems so much easier" you say…..Well, it’s because….I don’t have a home. I mean, I suppose I’ll have a room….but, "home" doesn’t exist anymore. I wish it did. I wish my Mom would come back….but the future looks bleak and grim….and now my dad is living alone, heartbroken, inside a house full of memories. And, I can’t choose sides. What kind of daughter would I be if I did that? I love both of my parents too much to do that. But, going home would just cause me heartbreak as well…So, I suppose now is a better time than any to create a home for myself.
"But, Emily, why stay in Nac? Why don’t you go to New York? Why don’t you travel the world?" you say….Well, I would love to…and I do plan to. It just can’t happen now, and it may not happen for a few years. But, I’m not going to become complacent, and I’m not going to settle. I can’t do that. I love challenging myself too much. I know people are worried about me…I even have relatives who think I’m making awful decisions and that I’m not living to my full potential….They think I should go travel the world right now…But, I want to do it with my money. I want to do it, because I made it happen…Not because I had to ask for someone else to provide me with it…I’ve relied on others my whole life….And now, I need to rely on myself.
Anyway, here’s to job interviewing…and here’s to finally fitting all the pieces together…At least, the pieces of my life…The pieces I can control.
Till next time,